


Sweet Dreams

by Stariceling



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Lime, M/M, Violence, painful first time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-06-16
Updated: 2002-06-16
Packaged: 2017-12-05 10:14:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/721908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stariceling/pseuds/Stariceling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Heero and Quatre's relationship is far from perfect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Went on a quest for H/Q angst and came back with this.
> 
> Note: My earliest fic where I know the original post date! Dated according to when I posted the first chapter on the 4x1-1x4 ML.
> 
>  _Anything in italics is a flash back_  
>  Anything in ‘’ is Heero’s thoughts

The cold pressed in, the air like icy hands down his back. His lover shuddered suddenly and curled up more tightly on himself.

Heero pulled his lover closer still, offering him what little haven his arms could provide. Fingers tangled in soft, blond hair as his eyes traveled over the much beloved face. The curve of his jaw, the soft, slightly parted lips, those eyes. . . .

Those eyes, hidden now in sleep, the beautiful green-blue that had always reminded him of the earth, as one saw it from space. Those eyes that always glowed with a sort of innocence that, even in the midst of the pain and betrayal and death that was his life, had spoken to him of trust and kindness and love.

For a moment Heero wished for those eyes to open, for Quatre’s fingers to brush his face, for the soft voice and the loving smile. But the moment passed as quickly as it came, hope replaced by doubt.

‘Not even an angel could love me after what I’ve done, after what I’ve done to him. And I know he’s not a real angel . . . he bleeds . . . I made him bleed . . . oh, Quatre I’m sorry . . .

‘. . . so sorry . . . ’

* * *

 

 

_“Isn’t it beautiful? It looks like the whole sky is on fire.”_

_“Hmmm”_

_Heero leans forward to kiss Quatre behind the ear._

_“Heero, are you even looking at the sunset?”_

_“Hn.”_

_Heero pulls Quatre closer, kissing his hair._

_“I found something I like better.”_

_“Oh Heero.”_

_The last of the sunset fades from the sky as they kiss, Heero tenderly running his hands down Quatre’s back. Heero breaks away from the kiss to suck on Quatre’s neck._

_“Heero . . . ”_

* * *

‘It’s all my fault . . . ’

Heero moves to touch the mark he left on Quatre’s neck. Snatching his hand back as he sees his fingers shaking.

‘. . . my fault you got hurt.’

* * *

 

 

_Quatre leads Heero back inside to their room, they pause at the side of the bed they planned to share before Heero lays Quatre down across the bed. Then, moves carefully to cover him with his own body. Hands softly touching Quatre through his shirt._

_“Heero, I wanted to ask you . . .”_

_“Mm?”_

_“Take me.”_

_Heero jerks back._

_“You want . . . ?”_

_“Please.”_

* * *

‘You trusted and believed in me with all your soul. I know you did. But even all your trust couldn’t let you be completely sure. How scared you must have been, that I would shatter your heart, because I never truly showed you what I feel . . .

‘All my promises to never leave you, to hold onto you, and yet you still needed to be reassured, because I never said those simple words . . . never told you . . .

“I never even said ‘I love you’ . . .’

* * *

_  
_

_Heero takes his hands off of Quatre and turns away. After a moment of studying him Quatre sits up and kisses Heero, turning his face so he can look into Heero’s eyes._

_“I just want something we can be sure of. I want to build these memories with you, for the times we’re apart.”_

_“We already have something, you know I won’t ever leave you.”_

_“We have something. Then why are you afraid to touch me?”_

_“Because I don’t want-”_

_“You don’t want me.”_

* * *

‘If only you had let me finish, Quatre. I’ve wanted for so long to touch you like that, but I was so afraid of hurting you.

‘ . . . I should never have touched you . . .

‘ . . . I hurt everyone I touch . . .’

* * *

_  
_

_“Quatre, I didn’t mean . . .”_

_Heero hesitates, then pushes him back down on the bed, forcing caution out of his mind._

_“You know I want you. Always.”_

_‘This can’t be wrong, we love each other . . . love can’t be wrong.’_

_“. . . want you . . . so bad . . . ”_

* * *

‘But Quatre, my pet, my Earth angel, I was wrong again, wasn’t I? There is a time when love is wrong. It has nothing to do with protocol, or expectations, or gender. It’s wrong . . . when you hurt the person you love.

‘Why didn’t I just say it? Oh Quatre why didn’t I just tell you? “I love you Quatre, I don’t want to hurt you . . . I love you, I love you, please don’t make me hurt you” The words come so easy in my mind, and yet I never said any of it . . .’

* * *

_  
_

_Two bodies twine on the bed, hands and mouths exploring bare skin for the first time._

_“Heero . . . I love you . . . ”_

_A sharp gasp of pain is all that is heard as the two come together._

* * *

‘Why didn’t I stop there? I could have . . . I could have stopped hurting him . . . I could have held him tight and kissed away his tears . . . but I didn’t even see them . . .

‘. . . his face was turned away from me . . . I never saw him crying . . . ’

* * *

_  
_

_Heero touches Quatre with shaking hands. The backs of his thighs are slick with blood._

_“Oh Quatre . . . what have I . . . ”_

_Heero stops, unable to speak, staring at first the blood on his hands, then down into Quatre’s face. Turning away, Heero rises to leave when Quatre pushes himself up on the bed, throwing his arms around Heero’s waist, pressing his face into Heero’s side._

_“No, please . . . please don’t leave me . . . ”_

_Heero pauses for only a second, then gathers Quatre to him with shaking hands, holding him tightly and kissing his hair._

* * *

Heero looked down at the face of his sleeping lover, and for just a moment wished for Quatre’s eyes to open.

The morning would come, but now it would not just take Quatre away again. It would decide whether the parting was painful necessity, or permanent; bringing loss, or love.

‘Will Quatre flinch away from me, unable to go on . . . unable to forgive me . . . Or maybe . . . we can try again . . . we can stay the way we always were before, hearts always together, even with the greatest of distances between us . . . maybe we can go on loving each other . . . even after this . . . maybe . . . ’

And the cold pressed in.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally wrote this hoping to make a happy ending, but rereading it now, I think I went way too far with Heero threatening to kill those he loves. *coughs* Oh yeah, character death in the background as well.
> 
> Quatre's point of view, so '' are now his thoughts.  
>  _Italics are still flashbacks_

Quatre stirred at the soft rustle of movement beside him. For a moment he wasn’t completely sure he had even opened his eyes, the darkness blinded him so completely.

The space beside him where Heero had lain was empty, but still warm, as Quatre sat up. Looking around himself nervously, he called softly into the surrounding darkness. He could barely hear himself, it was as though the dark pressing in on him was solid, smothering the sound.

“Heero?” Quatre’s heart was now beating painfully fast. If Heero had truly wanted to leave him, he could have, and would have, done so at any point in the night. ‘And once he leaves, there’s never any guarantee that I’ll see him again. Is he really that disgusted with me? He won’t even say goodbye?’ It hurt to think about it.

The bed shifted under him, almost before Quatre could work out what this must mean a voice answered him from behind, almost as soft as his had been.

“I’m right here,” Quatre’s heart caught in his chest as Heero’s arms wrapped around him from behind, pulling him back against his chest. He had taken time to dress himself, but his body heat seeped through to warm and comfort Quatre.

“I . . . I’m glad you didn’t leave me,” Quatre tried to turn his head and found that Heero’s hand was gripping his neck, just below his chin, keeping him from moving it. Quatre shuddered, unnerved. He couldn’t remember Heero’s hands ever being so cold.

Quatre couldn’t help gasping in surprise as he felt something warm and wet moving up his neck. ‘Is that Heero’s tongue?’ Heero had never done anything like that before, he didn’t like it. The feeling stopped just below his ear and was replaced by the soft brush of Heero’s breath across his cheek, cold were his tongue had left it’s marks.

“I only have one more thing to finish,” Quatre jerked in shock as Heero’s tongue slid into his ear.

Shivering, Quatre let the firm hand on his neck tip his head back until it rested on Heero’s shoulder. He stared, wide-eyed, up into the dark, he could feel Heero’s nose pressing against his cheek as he tilted his head to continue his exploration of the inside of Quatre’s ear.

Heero pulled away at last, the moist traces his tongue left made Quatre feel both sickened and a bit aroused at the same time. Even though he was directly over Quatre, and close enough that Quatre could feel his breath across his face, the darkness was so complete that they couldn’t even see each other.

“Quatre, you know I love you right?” Quatre bit his lip, Heero never said. . . no. . . he almost never said the actual words, he had never needed to.

“I know.”

“Good,” Heero’s cold fingers traced their way over Quatre’s face for a moment before he sat back suddenly. Holding Quatre against him with one hand while he searched for something behind him with the other.

Quatre shifted uncomfortably in Heero’s grip, something didn’t feel quite right. He wanted to see what Heero was doing. Something was wrong here. Heero turned back to him, Quatre gasped as he felt cold metal tracing up the side of his neck. Without warning, his head was forced back again, the gun Heero held pressing into his cheek.

Heero’ mouth covered his, silencing the little noise of surprise he made. The kiss was gentle at first, soft as a whisper, then Heero began to press harder, forcing Quatre’s mouth open with his tongue. Slowly, almost reluctantly, Heero drew back, forcing the gun into Quatre’s mouth to take his tongue’s place. The metal of the gun was the furthest thing from Heero’s warm and demanding lips that Quatre could imagine. ‘He always said he would kill me. But why now? Why does he have to do this now?’

Quatre’s muffled cry seemed unnaturally loud in the deathly silence of the room when Heero twisted his arm behind his back, forcing him forward as he pressed the gun hard into his mouth, making Quatre open even wider. ‘Why . . . why is he doing this?’ Quatre tried to break free and found he couldn’t even force his body to move. ‘Damn it! Why do I have to be so weak? No wonder . . . no wonder he hates me.’

Quatre squeezed his eyes shut, trying to stop the tears filling his eyes. He could feel Heero kissing away the tears that escaped to slide down his cheeks, both of his hands being occupied with holding Quatre still.

“Quatre, do you understand?” Quatre shook his head, sobbing around the slowly warming metal of the gun in his mouth.

“Because this way, I can never hurt you again,” Heero released Quatre’s arm to caress his face lovingly, “don’t worry, I’ll join you in a minute.”

Quatre struggled to talk around the metal in his mouth and the sick tightness in his throat. To say the words he knew Heero needed to hear. ‘Heero, I love you too.’

Light exploded behind Quatre’s eyes.

He fell forward, sagging limply into Heero’s supporting arms. Somehow, Quatre felt as though he was falling through Heero’s arms.

With a jolt Quatre fell back into reality.

For a long moment he just lay where he was, struggling to comprehend his surroundings. He could still feel Heero’s arms around him, molding their bodies together. The rhythm of his breathing told Quatre that he was awake.

Gathering his courage against what he might see, Quatre opened his eyes. Heero was leaning over him. The slight expression of concern on his face was amazingly expressive by normal Heero standards.

“You were having a nightmare?”

Quatre smiled shakily, relief flooding through him, “you were watching me sleep again.”

Heero turned away from him, making Quatre wish he hadn’t said anything. “You’re . . . interesting,” he said softly, then added, “when you sleep.”

Quatre tried to shift himself to be close to Heero again, but gasped as a sharp pain shot through him from the small of his back, to the backs of his thighs. Heero caught him around the waist and lifted him across his lap into a less painful position.

Quatre nestled himself into Heero’s embrace, pressing his face into Heero’s neck to avoid the look of hurt in his eyes. He let his hand trace a line down the center of Heero’s chest. A tiny smile flitted across his face when Heero’s fingers moved to tangle with his. For a moment they stayed, Heero cradling him in the same gentle way he always did, then laying a soft kiss into his hair.

“Heero, you know I love you, right?”

Heero didn’t react to the words in the way he had expected. He pulled his hand away from Quatre’s and stood, so quickly Quatre overbalanced and nearly fell off of the bed in his hurry to distance himself from the blond.

“Even after I hurt you?” The note of disbelief in his voice hurt more then any physical blow.

“You didn’t-”

Heero turned away from him and stalked to the door, making Quatre wish he hadn’t tried to lie.

“Just get dressed.”

Quatre’s protest died on his tongue as Heero slammed the door almost hard enough to break the frame. ‘How can he be so upset about this? We agreed, as long as we love each other things shouldn’t be allowed to interfere with that. Besides, since he always said he would kill me someday, a little pain between us shouldn’t matter. How can this matter if he already has his mind set to that?’

* * *

_“And, on a more serious note, four days after her disappearance, the body of Miss Relena Dorlen was found today.”_

_Quatre looks up from his book. Heero turns up the volume._

_“The body was found, washed up on a local beach, by two students who immediately called the preventor offices. As physicians found drowning to be the obvious cause of death, the preventors have ruled out homicide. Funeral services for the much beloved pacifist will take place Monday the fifth . . .”_

_Heero turns his back on the television announcer and leaves the room. Quatre follows._

_“You killed her”_

_Heero doesn’t answer, but turns to face Quatre._

_“So you’ll kill me too.”_

_“I can promise you this Quatre, you won’t die the way she did.”_

_“What? Heero, I don’t-”_

_Heero takes Quatre by the shoulders._

_“I will never hurt you Quatre. I love you.”_

_Quatre’s eyes fill with tears at these words, “You never . . .” He moves closer to Heero, laying his head against Heero’s chest, “It’s nice, hearing you say that.”_

_Heero looks like he is about to say something, but hesitates, and ends up just holding Quatre instead._

 

* * *

Quatre pulled his vest on, casting a quick glance toward the door. He didn’t want to go downstairs, not if Heero had left him already. He sighed, closing his eyes and wrapping his arms around himself. Ever since their first few kisses, he had always felt as though he could never get enough of Heero, of his sure voice and firm touch.

And his kiss, the back of his jaw ached just to think about it. Hot and slow and tender, like Heero was making love to his very soul.

But it seemed, more and more, that one of them was always leaving. Like every second they managed to steal together left him on the very edge, never satiated and dying slowly from the need to be with Heero. He couldn’t remember the last time they had been able to come here, to this place that was the closest thing they had to a haven from the outside world. And now, far too soon, he would have to leave it, and Heero.

Quatre didn’t turn at the soft footfalls behind him. He didn’t need to turn to know how Heero looked just now. The usually neutral expression on his face would be colored with the tiniest bit of upset, mouth opened to say something that would never make it into words. His hand would be half raised in hesitation, unsure of how Quatre would react to his touch.

Quatre turned, just quick enough to take Heero by surprise as he all but threw himself into his arms. Heero caught him up in his embrace without thinking, holding perfectly still as Quatre kissed him, neither encouraging him, nor pushing him away.

Heero met his eyes for a moment before turning away, carefully lowering Quatre to the floor. Quatre reached up to catch Heero’s hand in his before he could leave.

“Stay?”

Heero was half turned away from him, resolutely keeping his face turned away from Quatre. “You really want me to?”

The disbelieving tone hurt, “Oh course I do, I always will.”

* * *

_Quatre is curled up on his side, asleep. Heero leans over him, watching the peaceful expression on his face._

_“Heero. . . ?”_

_Heero jerks back in surprise. Quatre sits up sleepily._

_“It’s not the first time either.”_

_Heero turns his face away from Quatre._

_“You look . . . interesting when you sleep.”_

_“But it’s not just when I’m sleeping that you watch me, is it?”_

_“It’s just that . . . you’re not like us, but you’re not like anyone else either.”_

_Quatre slaps Heero as hard as he can across the face._

_“I am one of you! I’m not . . . I’m not someone you can just exclude on a whim!”_

_Heero touches his cheek, staring at Quatre in shock. He doesn’t even attempt to retaliate as Quatre grabs the front of his shirt._

_“I won’t be someone you can treat like that!”_

_“You’re not! Let me explain-”_

_“If that’s true, then why do you treat me so differently then the others? Did you think I’m too dense to notice? You never talk to me anymore. You avoid me. And now I can’t even look up without catching you staring at me.”_

_“Quatre, I . . .”_

_“What’s so wrong with me that you need to stare at me all the time?”_

_“Quatre!”_

_Quatre looks down, his hands slowly releasing Heero’s shirt to make fists at his sides._

_“Why were you watching me sleep?”_

_“Because even after all we’ve been through, all you’ve been through, you can still look . . .”_

_“Just say it.”_

_“You’re the only one of us who still has any sort of innocence left.”_

_“Everyone looks innocent when they sleep.”_

_Heero tries to lift Quatre’s chin, fails, and settles for laying a light hand on his arm._

_“But that’s what makes you so beautiful to me.”_

_Quatre looks up in shock for a moment before his eyes fill with tears._

_“That can’t be what you really think about me, you just can’t . . .”_

_“Quatre, listen to me! I’m not trying to hurt you, or exclude you, I want to be with you.”_

_“Don’t lie to me!”_

_“I’m not-”_

_“Shut the hell up! I hate you!”_

_Quatre hides his face in his knees. Heero stares at him in shock for a moment before he grabs him by the shoulders and slams him back down onto the bed. He draws his ever-present gun and shoves it under Quatre’s chin._

_“So you’re going to kill me now?”_

_Heero flicks the safety off._

_“Yeah.”_

_“Heero? Don’t believe what I said. I don’t . . . I couldn’t hate you. I just . . . when you said . . . how could you really mean . . .”_

_“What are you saying?”_

_“I don’t want your last memories of me to be lies, that’s all.”_

_“Then how do you really-”_

_“Shut up and kill me.”_

_Heero hesitates, watching Quatre for a moment before bending over to kiss him softly._

_“Heero?”_

_Heero throws the gun away from himself. It goes off as it hits the floor._

_“Heero. . . ?”_

_“I’ll still kill you.”_

 

* * *

Quatre started when Heero stood suddenly, his arms unwinding from around Quatre’s shoulders.

“Heero?”

Heero lay his hand in Quatre’s hair, “don’t move. I only have one more thing to finish.”

Heero turned and left him there on the floor. Quatre shivered as a sudden chill crept through him. He was almost sure he knew what Heero had left him for and it scared him.

‘Why am I freaking out about this now? I always knew he was going to kill me, so why does it upset me all of a sudden? Ever since last night . . .’ Quatre gasped, he understood now, ‘I can’t let what happened last night hurt him like this. If I hadn’t gone and cried about it . . . but I did, and now I have to fix it. I can’t just leave his heart broken. I know he loves me, I can feel it every time he holds me. I have to let him know how much I love him back.’

Without giving himself time to reconsider, Quatre followed his lover from the room.

The hall was dark even though the day was moving on toward afternoon. Quatre crouched instinctively as he moved toward the light coming from the front room. His hand clutching the door frame as he peered inside.

The room was empty and quiet. A tiny breeze had sneaked in through the window to play with the sleeve of Heero’s jacket. The soft rustle of cloth was reassuring to Quatre until he realized it was being echoed behind him.

Quatre spun around, only to be greeted by the cold, dark metal of Heero’s gun pointing down at him. Heero was standing over him, trapping him against the wall.

“I told you to stay there.”

Quatre’s eyes traveled from the gun to Heero’s face and back again as he struggled to calm the instincts that told him to fight back and knock the gun from Heero’s hand. Forcing his expression to remain neutral he stood, never letting his eyes leave Heero’s face.

“I guess third time’s the charm, right?”

“Third time?”

Quatre took advantage of Heero’s surprise and slipped under his arm and against his chest. It took all the self control he had to keep from jerking away as the cold metal of Heero’s gun touched the side of his neck.

Quatre slid his arms around Heero’s neck, tilting his head to one side as he felt Heero pressing the gun under his chin. Heero left a trail of soft kisses along his cheek, “I’m sorry about this,” he laid a sweet kiss on Quatre’s lips.

“Don’t be,” Quatre could feel Heero’s warmth melting the panic in his heart, “I can’t think of any way I’d rather die then in your arms.”

Quatre let his eyes close. The strong arm that wrapped around him was extremely comforting as Heero pulled him close. He could hear the moments ticking by in his head as he waited for the fatal shot. Had time slowed? Stopped? Why was Heero hesitating? Quatre started, opening his eyes wide when he felt something wet touch his face. Heero was . . . crying?

“Heero?”

Heero removed the gun from Quatre’s neck. Quatre watched him in growing dread as he turned the gun toward himself.

“NO!” Quatre jerked out of his trance, flinging himself forward into Heero’s arm as the gun went off.

Blood blossomed almost instantly on Heero’s shirt halfway along his shoulder. He stumbled back, the gun falling from his fingers.

Quatre caught him under the arms, lowering him into his lap. For a moment fear flooded his heart. Heero was lying so still, so very still against him.

“Heero . . . oh love . . . don’t die . . . please don’t die . . .”

Heero stirred, lifting his head to gaze up at Quatre. “How can you still want me, after everything I’ve done?”

“I love you. You know I do. And you know I’m not going to abandon you the moment you let yourself love me back, or at least you would know if you would let yourself see. I won’t abandon you.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“When I say I want to be with you forever I mean forever.” Quatre tried to calm himself, kissing Heero gently. He was going to be all right. “I don’t want you to die.”

Heero looked away, unable to meet his gaze, “Doesn’t it make you feel helpless? Loving someone so much? Wouldn’t it be better for you if I died?”

“No,” Quatre let his fingers trail through Heero’s hair, “My love for you is strong, so I’m strong too. And every time I’m near you I feel even stronger,” Quatre’s eyes went to the red stain on Heero’s chest. His arms lightly encircling Heero’s shoulders, he pulled him closer, “there’s no reason why I would want you dead. Unless you can think of a real one . . .”

Heero gave him a sickly sort of smile, “I’m bleeding all over you.”

Quatre felt something inside himself snap, “That’s not even funny! If you try this again, I’ll . . . I’ll drown myself! I swear I will!”

Heero’s eyes went wide at these words, “don’t you dare.”

Quatre buried his face in Heero’s uninjured shoulder, “I will. It won’t be worth living life without you anyway.”

“Quatre . . . Quatre-love, listen to me,” Quatre shook his head, “I swear I won’t. I’ll do anything for you, just don’t cry . . . please?”

Quatre’s voice shook with shame, “I’m not trying to pressure you . . . I just don’t want to lose you . . . I’m sorry . . . I’m so sorry . . .”

Heero rocked Quatre in his uninjured arm, “I’ll never do anything to hurt you. I promise.”


End file.
